To Kevin Marks: Nice idea about changing my watch to San Francisco time as soon as humanly possible and trying to sleep for the first half of the flight. Got the watch changed, but no sooner had we taken off and I had settled down with my eye patches on for a snooze but they came round with alcohol. Decided that wine would be suitably soporific, but by the time I had finished that they came round with 'lunch'. Still, I dozed quite a bit and am feeling really rather chipper for it, thank you kindly.

To the Virgin Atlantic caterers: Why do you have to assume that vegetarian food must include spinach? Not that I'm a vegetarian - I'll eat dead things with the best of them, but I don't trust the hind rump of elderly mountain goat that passes for meat on transatlantic flights. So I chose the risotto. A nice, mushroom risotto.

With spinach. Do you have any idea what happens to spinach when you cook it? It turns to mulch. Stringy mulch.

Ever seen footage of tea sorters, picking out miniscule unwanted stalks and stems from the precious leaves, their fingers flying over the tea with blinding speed? That was me, but with less speed, picking out the precious grains of rice and mushroom and trying to leave behind as much of the compost as possible.

To the Virgin aircraft engineers: A damp towel over the ventilators will humidify the air, ensuring that my eyes don't end up feeling like I've just stared down a sandstorm in the Saraha within seconds of coming on board. Damper air will also stop my hair creating enough static electricity to power the entire onboard entertainment system and randomly zapping any passing stewardesses.

To the Pilot: A little soft turbulence is good for getting your passengers off to sleep. It's like being rocked quietly to sleep in the arms of your lover and is really quite soothing. If nature does not provide this, please gently wiggle the controls around a bit to simulate. I suggest you do not do this directly after dinner.

To Turin Brakes: Regarding The Sun Always Shines On TV. Oh, wait, that was A-Ha. Ok, regarding Above The Clouds, I am up above the clouds right now, and I have to tell you that it's been a bit hazy up here. I don't think you figured cirrus clouds into your lyrics. Please try harder next time.

To the person with the Vics Vaporub: You selfish git. Don't you have any consideration for your fellow passengers? Don't you realise that not everyone wants to smell the stench of Vaporub, or whatever other vile nasal passage clearing crap you are sucking, inhaling or rubbing on your chest? You are trapped in a tin can at 40,000 ft with several hundred other people, and you are are inflicting your eucalyptus on the rest of us without even thinking that we might not like it. You selfish, selfish bastard. I hope you get a really bad cold.

To everyone else: I am safely in San Francisco, having been picked up at the airport by my lovely host, Adam Hertz. I'm showered, dressed and feeling perky.

I can't promise I shan't unexpectedly fall asleep, though. If that happens, simply mention that Simon Pegg is here to see me, and that should wake me up long enough for you to administer caffeine. Preferably intravenously.